Risible Wonderland
by Harmoniche
Summary: Arania Slate is in love with Toto Sakigami. It's sort of ridiculous, really. Every twisted, sick part of him is desired. How will she deal with her past and her new future in Deadman Wonderland? Will she survive? Will she ever regain her humanity?
1. Sympathy

Okayyyyy. I knooooowwwww people have a hatred for OCs. But this one will not be a Mary Sue. She will be a bitch. Well. I guess she will be kind in her own way. But she's still crazy. I absolutely love Toto, and I actually like Minatsuki after her initial bitchyness. This character will be bisexual. If you have a problem with it, I really don't want to here it. Sorry. It's short. It's late at night. I promise I'll go back and edit and stuff. DD; The second chappie will be third person. I just wanted to try first person, because I haven't written this way for a while.

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><p><span>Sympathy<span>

His laugh rings throughout the metal wonderland, skipping and spinning in glee as he goes. His teasing, playful nature a front for his false memories and personality. Running, chasing, playing he spreads 'love' throughout the wondrous prison, imagination filled with twisted toys. Stumbling across the corpses with a catlike grace; painting pictures with his blood-stained footsteps. He's not as he was before. He's different now-not even of the same mind, all because of _him_. I cannot avert my eyes, though, for he has the same body. I want nothing more than to touch him; to feel the contours of his body. Somehow... I find myself falling in love the stranger inside him.

His haunting golden eyes bare no similarities to his previous persona, but I am unable to be drawn from him. The man taints me with his poisons and I am all too willing to follow. He's beautiful despite his mad sense and chaotic personality; his mind a train of chaos and instability. I admire him, despite his cruelty, trust him despite his apathy and love him despite his selfishness. He's mad and wonderful; just like this prison. The mad man begins growing on me. I stop caring what he does-who he harms. I find myself accepting his every action, for he looks like the person I used to love and is the person I currently love. This is most likely an excuse as I don't _want_ to love a monster like him. But one cannot help falling in love with someone... right?

This is apparent as my friend comments, "I don't understand what you can see in him." Minatsuki scoffs, watering her primroses, only a sliver of attention spent on me, "Mockingbird is a dick."

I can't help but agree with her as I avert my gaze and lean back further onto the bed, staring up at the white ceiling of her room. The truth is that I don't understand what I see in him, either. I did not continue to love him because he used his body. I simply noticed him because of that fact. I fell in love with him on my own. Unfortunately, there is no one to blame for this but myself. Unfortunately... I now consider that there is a blame in the simple act of loving someone.

I sigh and take my dagger from the holster in my belt, spinning it as I take the case off. I stare at my hand for a moment before drawing the fine metal along my flesh, not flinching as I feel the alien sensation of something inside me. She looks at me, arching an eyebrow but says nothing except, "Don't make a mess. I'll gut you if you ruin my sheets." before returning to her precious life forms.

I mold the blood that comes out, twisting and playing with the red fluid, admiring it lovingly as it curls around my forearm. I smile, appreciating the stark contrast between the two. White and red, beside one another, just like his clothing. Minatsuki stares at me, a disapproving frown growing on her face.

"He's a selfish bitch, and girlie-looking." I give her a knowing smile. "So are you. Ever notice how I love you anyway?" I then close my eyes, giving myself the opportunity to concentrate on our conversation. I know the words upset her, but I continue on. "Whether you believe me or not, I'm not your mother. I'm not going to leave you."

I feel the sharp pain of her whips along my skin and her hands tightly around my neck. I open my eyes calmly gazing at a girl, wild and enraged. She's breathing heavily and her eyes are wide with anger. I cock my head and point to the flowers.

"Would they really like to see this?" I laugh as she grits her mouth and slaps me. "It's okay, Mina. It's just me. Chicks before dicks." I mutter, twisting my jaw with my hand to crack my neck. She narrows her eyes before dragging her whip across my throat. "That wound will scar." she grins. I lower my eyelids, glowering down as blood blossoms from my neck. "You can never forget me, now."

The corners of her lips curl upwards and my eyebrows arch up in questioning. "Aroused?" Minatsuki looks away, neither confirming nor denying the accusation. I look at her curiously chuckling at her being bashful. "I'll take care of it." I whisper, before bruising her own throat with kisses.

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><p>My vision is hazy and I can barely breathe. My lungs burn as I run to him, legs throbbing. I drag my dagger along the outside of my forearm and let the blood gush from the wound, grinning as it forms a shield in front of me, allowing me to continue running, spikes shooting out of the shield like arrows.<p>

An instant death.

All of a sudden I'm a murderer.

And I don't mind.

He laughs and gets back up, wiping the blood from his mouth, one eye swollen and body purpling from broken blood vessels. I stand in front of him, weak and arrogant, even though my body aches and I'm littered with scars. I let out a shuddering breath, hands shaking as the red liquid slips down my arm. I try and swallow air, but my stomach aches the second my diaphragm moves. The blood that pooled in my hand branches out, forming a twisted sort of katana, parts of the blade jutting out in random directions.

I look up at him, a small smile on my blood soaked lips and slam my foot into Senji's stomach. "No mercy, Senji." He winces and gasps as he collapses on the ground. I purse my lips, trying to hold back a giggle, but I can't help it. I burst into a fit to a fit of laughter, holding my waist as I bend over, sword waving in random directions as my insanity takes over. It's so incredibly funny!

"Oh, Senji-chan! You're my pride and joy! So much fun!" I exclaim, grinding my foot further into his chest till I suddenly feel a sharp pain. Dizzy with blood loss and foggy-headed, I glance towards the man underneath me and find that he's grinning. My lips part in slight surprise. "Invisible Black." he chokes out. My eyes lower in irritation as I follow the train of blood to the red blade in my arm. Angry, I place another foot on him and crouch down to his level, gently taking the blade from my right arm.

"You have some nerve, Senji. Some nerve. You're going to pay for this." I hiss, punching him in the eye, knuckles stinging. "I'm very, _very _angry, right now!"

More... more. I'll end up breaking him. But it's fine, though. Our minds are all broken anyway. It's part of the definition of, 'deadmen'.

It's minutes before I stop beating the poor man. I regained some sense as I punished him, face blank and thoughts running rampant. The desire to lap up the sanity, make myself feel better, deny my instincts grows with every scar. But this pain tastes so good. I'm horrified and completely desensitized as I realize: I like the hurt.

"It feels good, doesn't it, Senji?" He laughs, face barely recognizable. "You're such a sore loser! You always do this when someone attacks you." I chuckle, a frown tugging at my lips. Even now, I wish for a certain kind of humanity. One I had lost. Life is so bittersweet here in Deadman Wonderland. I hop off him, then offer my hand, grinning at him.

"I've ruined your arm for a while." he says dryly, studying it with his left eye. I give a delicate shrug and smirk.

"I've ruined your face for a while, too, Senji. Whatever will you do, now?" He gives a rich laugh, teeth glinting on the fluorescent light of the weight room and takes my hand as I try to pull him up, wincing as I do so.

"Strong for a little girl."

I ignore him and move my wrists in circles, testing them to see if they're working properly. "You asshole!" I hissed, "You got my right arm-that has my dominant hand, you know." I glare at the limb, grudgingly for a few more moments before I sigh and walk over to the door, grumpy and injured, barely glancing at my reflection in the mirrored walls. It can't be pretty.

"Come on. We need to go get repaired."

His eyebrows arch in surprise at my word choice. "Repaired?"

"We're broken. We need to be repaired." I say simply, eyes closed. I'm so tired. So, so tired. Tired of fighting and tired of living and tired of dying every damn day in this godforsaken wonderland. I want to close my eyes and not wake up to a penalty game, to just live without being so on edge. But what would I do? What would I do if I never had to worry about anything? I can't imagine it. I've never had the luxury of such moments in my life. Worry, worry, worry. It makes up 99% of my lifestyle and 100% of my mind. Cracked worries and irrational emotions plague my existence.

"H-h-hey! Your clothes!" I turn around, to see Senji pointing at me, face burning, splayed fingers covering his wide eyes.

"Your clothes are nearly falling off!"

I look down at said clothes to find them torn in random places, soaked with blood, cleavage almost visible.

"Fuck my life."

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><p>I hate explaining things. But if you notice the 'murdering' concept, and don't understand it, I'm willing to explain it. Essentially everytime Arania turns into this 'monster' as she sees herself, she's killing a little part of who she was before going to Deadman Wonderland.<p> 


	2. Empathy

Sorry it took so long. I was having a little trouble with my other one... and to be honest, I'm not used to updating for anyone. I suck at concentrating on things, sometimes. I sit down to do it and I find myself distracted by other things. I write out a draft on paper and when I type it out it becomes leagues better. Lol. Weirddd. Anyways. Hope you enjoy it. I had a lot of trouble writing the first scene, but I hope you find it emotional and compelling. I know it's not that great, but I try. D; I must say... About Arania being in love with Toto. It was on a whim and I have. No. Fucking. Idea on what to do with it. LOLL. I'm going for realistic, you guys. I'm going to try not to change any canon stuff, though. I'm trying to be as in character as possible. I don't really think that Toto is really the type of person who's 'capable' of feeling love, though. Not who's inside of him, anyway. But we'll see what happens, right? He'll be a tough character to write. Edit: I realize how many typos I made in the last chappie's intro. *hear, *bitchiness. Wow, fail. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter (even though I finished at 2 am and am editing it right now) and tell me what things surprised you. P:

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><p><strong>Empathy<strong>

"G'night! Don't get yourself hurt, Canary-and put some clothes on! Christ!"

I took a brief glance down towards my ripped clothes, the torn fabric barely covering my assets. The only thing keeping me truly decent was the jacket that Crow had lent me. Though his own clothing wasn't much better; it smelled like death and perspiration mixed with the shampoo that had come running off with his sweat. Though truly, I didn't care. The gesture enough made me happy. I chuckled and waved him off with my hand, eyes closed and pleasant smile painted on my face.

"Don't sweat it," I gave a little snort at the pun and continued, "The door's right here. I'll be fine, Crow. Perhaps you should put a little something on, too..." I gave him a suggestive once-over, eyes trailing over his body down to the zipper of his pants and up to his face. His cheeks burned all the way to his ears as he cursed and stalked off toward his room.

"Good night, to you, too, Crow!" I teased, waving at his back. He threw a hand toward me in acknowledgement and I grinned.

Now the real challenge came. I turned to the grey monstrosity before me with contempt, eyes glazed over in hate but unable to be drawn from it.

"Relax..." I soothed myself. It didn't matter how calm I was now-it was the storm after, I anticipated, that would be my downfall. How calm I was now... made no difference in hind sight. It'd still happen. Even so... I tried to remain calm; tried to soothe myself into thinking that it would be alright. Deep down, I knew better. I tried to comfort myself with the thought that nothing really mattered. The world would still end. People would still die. Lives are temporary no matter how permanent our actions are. How much I believed it didn't matter-the only thing that did was that it was true.

I took my hand up shakily, and rapped on the door. No answer. I took in a breath and swung the door open, making a beeline for the bed. I sat on the expensive furniture silently for a few moments, fidgeting with my bandages and tearing at my wounds. _My hands are shaky_, I thought, slightly distracted by the sound of my voice in my head.

_Maybe it'll be different this time_, I told myself, shivering (_unconfident_). Feeling braver, I took a hesitant glance around the room. The modern white and black furniture seemed like show-home. One that only happy families live in, playing games and doing laundry with one another. _Not my room,_ you mean_._ I swallowed, my control slipping; my mind breaking. I tried so hard to protect myself, but nothing worked. Everything-everything... everything was too much.

I broke.

I don't think insanity is a steady process. I think insanity is a slow process. I think it's a fast process. I think that sometimes you snap and you become 'insane'-but I'm pretty sure that, that's just a shitty diagnosis. Truth is... if you were to snap in the first place and react in a way that was classified as 'insane'-you were probably insane from the beginning. If that was the case... how sane was I? What was I doing here? Wasn't it an accident?

Why am I alive in a dead world?

Why am I dead in a live world?

Vision painted scarlet and moving slowly, blurring at the edges of my sight, I could hear nothing. There was only a low breathing of paranoia and fear that traced my lips. I was grateful for the silence. It was about to get loud.

"Don't..." I begged. The words stomped out of my throat feet clad in cleats of daggers. I clutched my head in a desperate embrace, child-like sobs and pleas swimming around an empty room. I laughed as my hands tore at my wounds, sobbing as I destroyed myself, beguiled as the the beautiful fluid spilled from its casing in my body. The alien sight of seeing something that was... that was _in _you out of your body was scary. I thought that once I saw a dead body, I would feel no horror, I would feel no shame. My humanity in the situation terrified me. It broke me.

The blood spilled from my hands and trickled down the contours of my twisted expression; pained and hilarious. My sobs filled the room, begging to be heard and praying to be ignored. I didn't understand what I wanted anymore. I didn't understand who I wanted to be anymore.

"Stop it... stop the madness, stop the sanity, stop her... Can'tstopwon'tstopdowhatyouwantwon'tstop." I murmured, chanting to myself as I swung my head back and forth, hands now covering my ears. Her voice was too loud; too much.

"Please..."

Everything hurts.

My eyes feel wild, and I can imagine myself darting around, sight spreading itself across the room-over and over again. I scratch at my head angrily, fingernails tearing into my skull. "This is so fucking frustrating!" I scream, pulling at the hair in my hands.

"So fucking frustrating..." My voice whispers, bubbling up in my throat making me cough and wheeze at the hoarseness of it. I grit my teeth as I look around frantically; grey eyes desperate and needy. I get up, shakily, body wavering as I try to support myself with the tiny limbs. _You're stronger than you look_, I try to remember as I stand, blood dripping onto the hardwood rhythmically. I look around once more and rip open the drawer of the desk in front of my, eyes wide and vision shaky. I shuffle my hands through the drawer, objects flying in random directions. My smile cracks and I stop for a moment, chest heaving. I throw my head back and laugh, arm thrown carelessly around my stomach. _Nothing. Nothing at all! _

"Not here! Not here!" I sing, spinning around the room, making a careless masterpiece of red on my pale walls. The sickening cracks of my destruction go unnoticed by my dorm-mates, room-mates? Criminal-mates? I laugh again. This time, though, it's louder; brighter; stronger. So strong that maybe I can believe. I can believe that it's funny. A long time ago I had come to the conclusion that when you laughed when you were angry you were trying to cheer yourself up. It's your body's way of taking things more lightly; a repair mechanism, if you will. I still believe it-the only problem was that I couldn't be repaired.

I hear the song in my head, sweet and soft.

"It's alright. Alright? Alright!" I coo, giggling at my drunken state. I'm so _fucking_ funny. So _fucking funny_ is hurts. Azula's asleep, Arania-go play! But please... don't wake her up. She'll be very mad. I bob my head up and down, eyes closed in agreement and disagreement. Who said she was asleep again? She's stirring, right now. I feel her.

"That's right..." My whisper is forgotten as my breath hitches in excitement. I'm so happy right now. She'll be free. Maybe she'll wake up and scold me again. I gave a whine at the thought, body crumpling down against the wall. Everything will be alright. It'll be fine and good and happy and stupid and wrong and-and what?

Alright.

I just needed to do a little painting; a few touch ups on the canvas, and she'd be beautiful again.

And the flesh breaks, singing as it's freed from its cage. I'm not finished, though. They'll be saved. I'm about to complete my masterpiece when she stops me. I grow irritated; my hand refuses to move, she doesn't speak. My brush is ignoring me and my eyes tear up again at the rejection. "Don't do that... please, I'm sorry. Don't do that..." I beg, inching it closer and closer, begging it to stroke the surface of the painting. She holds my brush, hand unsteady but strong.

I don't understand why Azula is so kind to her. It makes me really jealous; that she's so nice to a girl that doesn't deserve it. It makes me angry.

"Pathetic..." I whisper, teeth digging into my bottom lip. "She's _so_ fucking pathetic! Kill her already!" The girl ignores me and I find that my vision is failing me. My body becomes heavier; as if I'm tired.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

Why? I wonder why my body is doing this to me, my cries are working. But I don't need those, I don't need any crying-I need my body to _work_-to be strong enough to move my hand from her grasp. I remember, now. I can taste the memory-it like licorice. Bitter-sweet and black. Nothing is nothing in the end. She's nothing till the beginning from the end.

"Since you're too pathetic to kill her... why not break her instead? Take each finger and snap them-twist them till they're ripped from her tiny little body."

The girl laughs as she asks, "What's there to break anymore?" My head cocks in amusement, eyes half-closed, now.

"You're right," I whisper, chuckling, "There's nothing to break anymore. No amount of laughter can repair her."

So I embrace the red; embrace the dark and drift into nothingness, body bleeding and laughing, trying to fix the girl for her-just so I can break her again.

And I'm happy.

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><p>"...ia? Come here, now." I let out a small yawn and whine, begging for five more minutes of precious slumber. He sighs and I try to open my eyes to see the bastard who dared to wake me. I can't see anything. Is this supposed to happen? What? I must... be too tired to actually open them, I guess.<p>

"Fucking... fuck off. I'm napping." I mutter angrily, but the man is unfazed and grunts as he picks me up, draping my arms over his shoulders with ease. I breathed in his scent. Lilies.

"Nagi...? Is that you, Nagi?" I whispered, throat raw from screaming.

"Yes, Arania. It's Nagi." he voiced quietly, I breathed a sigh of relief, wrapping my arms around his neck and letting my hands attach themselves to my elbows. My body aches, bones throbbing and cuts stinging. _This must be what being pregnant feels like_, I think quietly, _my back hurts like a bitch_.

"Nagi. My body hurts. Everything aches," My voice cracked as I nuzzled into his neck, loving the warmth of his body, "it's cold, too..." I added quietly. He chuckles and I try to deconstruct idea after idea, finally coming to my voice. It cracks, sometimes. Like when I'm about to cry. It cracks. Cracks have truth littered within them, letting vulnerability and heart-ache spill out of them until they can put a band-aid on them. Truths have cracks-little loops holes that allow creatures to slip through. Guilt... lies... yourself. They all live within truth. I wanted to annihilate the little fuckers, but I think Truth would be a little lonely if I did. He'd be half of his shitty symbolism. One couldn't do without that, now could they?

He continued walking for a little while, our conversation filled with silence. I gave into my curiosity as I asked, "Where are we going? Will we go see him?" His pace slows for a moment as he replies with silence, then speeds up again, now walking. "We're going to see Karako. She'll fix you up, good as new." he answers.

"Fix me up? Good as new?" I strain to understand the words as I place my chin on my arm, staring straight ahead, fully aware that I can't see. "Is that why it's so dark? My vision seems to be failing me. Must of been one hell of a party."

He laughs, then sobers as he replies, "There wasn't a party, Nia. You did it again." I remain quiet, considering the words. "I did it again..." I repeat, voice barely a whisper. "I'm going to sleep on you, now, Nagi." He chuckles and I can tell he's smiling; amused. "Ah, go ahead. I'll just play room service for now." And I can't help but smile, too.

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><p>"You did it again." They say, when I can see again.<p>

I close my eyes, sober now. "Shut the fuck up." I stuff the noodles into my mouth, gleefully as Kosugi gives me a gentle smile.

Komoto throws me a wryly grin, "Don't get all snippy now, Nia. Don't want to choke on your noodles." As if on cue, Karako cleans a particularly nasty wound, causing me to wince and shove the whole mass of noodles down my throat. He smirks in self-satisfaction.

"Jerk." I hiss, trying to swallow the mass of wheat. Karako's eyes close sheepishly, eyebrows pulling up in exasperation. "Geez. You're so messy. Both inside and outside the battlefield." I scoff. "You expect blood to be like Clorox? 'Instead of staining your clothes, we'll suddenly ignore the the laws of nature and show up as nothing in your clothing-you won't even be able to tell until you faint from blood loss!'" Karako winces at the slogan and I pout, taking my arms away from her and standing up.

She sighs, "Arania, I'm not finished yet. At least let me give you some bandages to put on later, okay?" I heave a large sigh as I examine her pleading look then close my eyes, stomping toward her again. "Fine, fine, woman. Thanks." I murmur, sitting down on the stool again. Then it hits me, "Where's Nagi?" She studies my wounds again, eyes half-lidded as she replies, "In the back. Your big brother's there-working." I jump up, excitement bar full and ready.

I give a mischievous grin as I laugh, "That's all the more reason to bother him. He could learn to loosen up a little, y'know." Karako rolls her eyes as she lets me free and ushers her hand towards the back, "Go, go!" I chuckle, "Don't need to tell me twice."

I almost skip to the back room, hands swinging loosely at my side. "Nagi~" I sing, head peeking into the doorframe. I open the door the rest of the way, slowly, then crawl up to the dark haired man at the desk. He's sleeping. How boring. I sigh and poke his cheek, my other hand pressed into my face as I rest my arm into my leg, crouching. "Nagi, wake up. I need to say bye before I go to my room."

His brows furrow as he stirs from his sleep, clothes shuffling along the back of the chair. "Arania?" He mumbles, still dazed as he opens his eyes halfway. I smile, "Of course." He gives me an affection grin before reaching out to ruffle my black hair. I like the gesture. He breathes heavily and rolls his shoulder, yawning as he raises his hands in a deep stretch.

"Will you go back now?" He asks sleepily, hand hovering over his mouth to catch another yawn. "Mhm-I just came to say bye before I do." I say, standing up. "Good night, Nagi." I murmur, pressing a kiss to his cheek and waving as I walk out of the room. I say good night to everyone else before walking out of the room, hands in the pockets of my jeans (courtesy of Karako, who was ready and willing to grab them from my mess of a room).

I study the grey hallway with a curious sort of contempt, "My grey is better." I huff, as I approach a vending machine. I whip out my cast points card and place it in the machine skillfully. Surely, I'm used to this by now. I hum a familiar tune of a somewhat normal song as I press my finger to my lips, considering the choices listed before me.

"Apple seems best." My brows furrow at the statement, "Apple's my favorite-but you know when you're just in the mood for grape? But I don't want to regret it. People take decisions like this too lightly..." I say, voice drifting off. I sigh and my shoulders sag in resignation as I press the button with apple juice on it. I turn around and blink at the man-boy?-before me.

"Toto..." he smiles, hands behind his back as he leans forward. "Hey, Canary."

I swallow. "Hey. Want a sip?" He shakes his head, but stares at the drink and I push it toward him. "Just have a sip already-geez..." He grins happily as I mutter, "You're acting like Shiro." He ignores it and sips the juice, before handing it back to me.

"By the way... You've been missing a while. Where did you go?" He looks at me curiously before replying, "I died." My eyelids lower and I try to grab his hand to examine it before he jumps away. Instead, I study his wrists where's there are a set red lines around them. "Stitches. Had your limbs reattached?" He looks away for a moment before smiling at me, "Well, I did die, didn't I?" I laugh and he blinks at me.

I place a hand on my hip as I murmur, "Well... I'm really glad you had the decency to come back to life." Ba dum. He arches an eyebrow, amused and I stare at him, narrowing my eyes at him. "I don't know what I see in you. You're just like a human." He gives a subtle bristle at the remark-so subtle I wonder how I could tell it happened in the first place, "Just like a human? One of tho-"

"One of those that can be killed. You said you died, didn't you?" He's surprised for a moment, then smiles. "Humans are irresponsible and sneaky. You say it all the time. But I have to wonder, when you're so different now, whether or not you're the sneaky one."

His grin broadens. He begins to walk toward the cafeteria as if he knew I was going to go there, "_Weak_ humans are, yes." I follow and speed up for a moment-just to get ahead of him, "Aren't we all weak? We break and die and live and break; sometimes never being repaired. Isn't that weak?"

He chuckles, "Humans... are indeed weak. But I never said I was human." I glared at him sideways. "Don't make me pull out my dictionary and read to you the definition of human." He laughs, "How literal can you get, Canary?" I scoff. "Plenty more."

We walk in silence for a bit. It seems like a long walk; far longer than it should, with the dragging emptiness.

"Are you hungry?" he asks suddenly. I stare at him. "Of course."

"Then I'll come with you."

This is a new development... what's the harm in agreeing? It's not like anything will change, right?

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><p>I know the ends a bit rushed. But it seemed a good place to cut it off. I'm still figuring out what I really want to do with these two, also. About Shiro's comparison... It makes sense because Shiro's constantly going into G-Ward. Most of the people there don't know her, but I think it would make sense that some of them see her sometimes as she just walks around; even if it's not necessarily in that area.<p> 


End file.
